Family meals

It turns out that family meals are the cure for almost everything that ails American families.  Kids who eat meals with their families eat better and have better eating habits. They are less likely to be drug and alcohol dependent, smoke. They're less likely to be depressed and suicidal. (Some of this is documented in an article in ChildTrends Data Bank, http://www.childtrensdatabank.org/indicators/96FamilyMeals.cfm)..

 A new study by the University of Minesotta shows that teenage girls are less likely to have eating disorders like bulimia and anorexia. http://www.ahc.umn.edu/news/releases/meals110904.

This is great news for those of us who are toiling away at the stove each night cooking meals for our families and insisting that everyone sit down to dinner and talk to each other. I'm sure this gets more difficult as kids get older and have more activities. But the benefits far outweigh the costs. See my column at nj.com/times/features on Feb. 19.

Rude child in school

I received an email from my younger son W's teacher this week. It seems he's been very rude to her over the past week or two. He had to stay in during recess recently and then last week he suggested that a student "peg" a foam dice at the teacher.

I was very apologetic to the teacher and we had a talk with W.   We realized that his desire to be the class clown and amuse everyone was probably leading to him being rude.  We told him to stop trying to be funny and be more respectful. We took away his video games for a week and we made him write a letter. Having to write the letter was what made him cry, especially when we made him write a few drafts. "Dear Miss W., I'm sorry I said to peg the dice at you. I was trying to be funny. Now I realize it's not funny. I like your class. Love, W."  It was actually a pretty nice letter. 

We told W. that he's a nice boy but that when he behaves like that no one will be able to tell that he's a nice boy. We also told him that being disrespectful to teachers is not a smart thing to do since they are the ones who give you grades.  If you talked like that at work, what do you think would happen? we asked.  "You'd get fired," he said. I guess he knows about this.

I wonder if our bickering leads to this bad behavior. I don't want to think that that's it and I don't think it's the primary factor although we do seem to have a hostile sense of humor in our household. Sigh.  It's always something with these kids. 

Dilemna of the anti-gun mom

When my kids were little I could protect them from violence on TV and video games and I could prevent them from ever having guns or violent toys of any kind.
But since then, I've been falling down a slipper slope. I let them go to lazer tag games even though it clearly involves kids firing at each other. Why? Because it's fun and I don't want to be so politically correct that I won't let them have fun.
I've also allowed swords but not guns in the house although some water guns have made their way in - only to be put on a shelf or discreetly hidden by me.
Then we got a new X-Box for Christmas and my brother gave us several games - most of which had a teen rating. Before I knew what had happened, the boys were playing a video game in which they shoot down airplanes. Honestly, it seems pretty harmless even though it's rated Teen but there were others that I put up on the shelf while 8-year-old W. wailed about how it's not fair and his cousins play the games and they're only 4 and 7. "Every family has different rules," I told him.
I've told my kids how I feel about it. They know that "Mommy hates guns." But I feel like I've already been too lax about what I've allowed. This has led to some funny conversations. Their argument about laser tag: "It's like a gasoline nozzle, not a gun." Their argument about the video games, "There's nothing wrong with shooting. It's fun!" These arguments make me want to throw out all the guns.
And then there's TV where I don't allow them to watch adult TV or even much TV at all but where they usually plunk themselves in front of 'The Today Show" in the morning and learn all about Britney Spears' drug problems and the murder of the day.
Several studies, including a recent study at the University of Michigan, have found a link between children watching violent TV or playing violent video games and aggressive behavior both as children and later in life. (For an article on the study see ScienceDaily http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/11/071127142134.htm).

piano lesson nightmares

Both my boys are taking piano lessons and our piano teacher is a friend who is a wonderful musician but an impatient teacher. I've always thought this was OK because R. and W. need someone to light a fire under them. But our piano lessons are torture so sometimes I wonder whether they should be taking lessons or at least taking lessons with this teacher.
R. has to be poked and prodded to practice and I have to sit with him and I have to remind him to count. So he's not really taking responsibility for practicing himself. When I try to talk to him about it he says he doesn't want to stop lessons. If I force the issue, he says that he wants to play but he doesn't want to practice. This is what everybody says about piano. But I sympathize.
W. has no trouble practicing. He's such a go-go kid, he's always looking for something to do anyway. So W. is moving ahead and, in fact, is now in R's piano book even though he started several months after R.
T., their piano teacher, says that R. starts playing and then when he tries to correct him, he falls apart and loses energy and just seems to space out. Is this a reaction to T. yelling at him? I don't know. I know part of it is a function of R.'s ADHD. He just has tremendous difficulty concentrating and we're going to see his pediatrician tomorrow to see if we should increase his medicine. Meanwhile, I guess we'll keep soldiering on and see if things improve. I sometimes wonder if it's worth it or if we should be switching teachers despite my friendship with T. Sigh.

School Play Rejection

My older son, R., tried out for the school play, "Alice in Wonderland." He's a shy, quiet kid who was never interested in acting but his school had a Shakespeare workshop and he loved doing that so he jumped at the chance to be in the play.
After he tried out, my friend, who is helping to organize the play told us, "Raymond was great. He was really fabulous." But he didn't get a call-back and when the posted the parts today he was, "Diamond Two," and I'm sure he's really disappointed.
Rejection. You want your kids to put yourself out there but when they do, they're bound to get rejected. Of course, we have to be proud of him and encouraging and tell him stuff like, "There are no small parts just small actors." But honestly, don't these stupid people realize how talented my son is. I want to throttle them. OK, I've had my little hissy fit. I guess I can't be one of those moms who calls up and complains even if these people are idiots. Instead, I have to be understanding and serene with them and with my son. That's show business. We'll try and encourag him in other ways and if we don't make a big deal it won't be a big deal to him.
I reminded my husband that it's really not about us and we should admit that we had visions of seeing R. in his starring role. Instead, he'll be out there as the two of diamonds saying his 1 or 2 lines. Oh well. I'm sure it won't be his last rejection so we better get used to it. He can talk about this in interviews when he goes on Broadway. Ha.

School Daze

R. has always struggled in school, although struggled doesn't seem quite the right word because the truth is R. has always spaced out in school. He has fun when it's something he enjoys - science, art, gym, recess.  But for the rest he's very passive and all this is probably typical of kids with ADHD.

The truth is he's doing much better. He's not way behind the class but he still sits back and waits for school to come to him. He's not engaged unless he's interested.  And so we hear that his teacher is keeping him at recess sometimes to complete work and one day my husband returned ho to find that R. was in tears after staying up late to complete an assignment and having to stay in and rewrite it in script.  Why? There was an assignment sheet with directions that he forgot to bring home or take out. 

And his teacher says she hates to crack the whip but he seems to need pushing and at the same time, she doesn't want to go too far.  I have the same dilemma. He mostly just resists doing anything I ask him unless I sit and ask him six times.  But he hates transitions, he hates doing anything difficult and that makes it all very difficult.

So now I'm trying to see if maybe we should increase Raymond's medication but I know only too well that increasing medication doesn't mean increasing his motivation and I don't know how to do that.

Next year, Raymond goes to middle school where he'll have five different classes and be expected to bring home his assignments and work independently. I'm already having nightmares about that.