Remember the writer who let her 9-year-old kid travel on the subway by himself? She gave him a pocketful of quarters and a map and a $20 bill and let him make his way home in New York. She immediately was labeled as a terrible mother.
Now Lenore Skenazy has written a book, "Free Range Kids: Giving Our Kids the Freedom We Enjoyed Without Going Nuts With Worry," (whew!) in which she details her thoughts on letting kids go. Literally.
Her thesis seems to be that you can let kids go out and play and go their friends' houses for playdates without hovering over them, as long as you know exactly where they are and they can get in touch with you.
When I told my husband about the subway experiment, he shrugged. He used to ride the subway and buses by himself all the time when he was 9. I lived in suburban Long Island but we played outside until dinnertime and no one was certain where we were in the neighborhood.
When Skenazy appeared on WNYC's the Brian Lehrer show, she got a phone call from an irate man whose sister was abducted. He was furious that the subject was being treated so lightly. But I know that child abductions are actually quite rare and usually are done by a relative or someone else who the child knows.
I think what Skenazy says makes a lot of sense. Kids should be given more freedom. But even if lived in New York, I don't think I'd be ready - or my kids would be ready- to hand over that Metro card and let them go.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Olive Kitteridge and letting go
My book club happened to pick Elizabeth Strout’s “Olive Kitteridge” as our selection this month before it received the Pulitzer Prize. We felt very smug about our discriminating literary tastes after it got the award.
The book is a series of interconnected stories about a large, 60-something woman who is very blunt to the point of abusive and who both adores and is mean to her husband and son. Naturally, the son moves 3,000 miles away to California and breaks his bewildered mothers heart. (Click here for a link to the Christian Science Monitor story and the Nite Swim blog about the book.
“If you have boys, you have to get used to the idea that you won’t be part of their lives,” one mother of two boys said. We then got into a lively debate about whether daughters really are better about keeping in touch.
Many of us said that we are the ones who are in charge of keeping touch and that we even keep in touch with our in-laws or nag our husbands to keep in touch. One woman said her brother was good about calling her parents but then again, he is in Spain and her parents are in New Jersey.
I call my mom a couple of times a week and she often laments that she hasn’t heard from one of my brothers for weeks. With all of my brothers, the onus is on my mother or me to make an effort to keep in touch. They don’t call, they don’t write. Is this the typical boy/man behavior?
Then again, one woman pointed out, the sons of single women seem to be very protective of their mothers and to be closer with them when they grow up. Should we all go out and get divorced to make sure we have a better relationship with our kids?
Then there’s the whole daughter-in-law thing. I live in dread that I will have daughter-in-laws who hate me as thoroughly as Olive Kitteridge’s daughter-in-law. I’m not quite as intrusive as she is but I think there’s often tension between mothers and daughters-in-law.
Two of my brothers live in my hometown and visit my father at least once a week. So they are dutiful sons to the parent who probably needs it the most. Maybe they’re less in touch with my mother because she’s so independent or maybe they have their own issues with her.
I’ve resigned myself to the fact that my sons probably won’t go shopping with me. (Although William does like to shop so maybe they will). They may not chat on the phone with me the way I do with my mom. And the probably won’t ever quilt with me. But I hope we’ll find some way of being in touch.
Of course all this hand wringing over children who are still several years away from college is a little funny. I told one friends I’m not sure whether I should worry about them moving away and leaving me or I should worry that they won’t move away and leave me. I suspect the later would be worse for them. I don’t really want them tied to my apron strings. I’m just hoping that whatever ties we have don’t fray or get broken when my sons are adults and I’m an overbearing old lady.
In the meantime, I have to pick them up from school and take them to piano lessons. We might go out for pizza and watch a video and if we want to be in touch, I just have to reach out. I might as well savor that while it lasts.
The book is a series of interconnected stories about a large, 60-something woman who is very blunt to the point of abusive and who both adores and is mean to her husband and son. Naturally, the son moves 3,000 miles away to California and breaks his bewildered mothers heart. (Click here for a link to the Christian Science Monitor story and the Nite Swim blog about the book.
“If you have boys, you have to get used to the idea that you won’t be part of their lives,” one mother of two boys said. We then got into a lively debate about whether daughters really are better about keeping in touch.
Many of us said that we are the ones who are in charge of keeping touch and that we even keep in touch with our in-laws or nag our husbands to keep in touch. One woman said her brother was good about calling her parents but then again, he is in Spain and her parents are in New Jersey.
I call my mom a couple of times a week and she often laments that she hasn’t heard from one of my brothers for weeks. With all of my brothers, the onus is on my mother or me to make an effort to keep in touch. They don’t call, they don’t write. Is this the typical boy/man behavior?
Then again, one woman pointed out, the sons of single women seem to be very protective of their mothers and to be closer with them when they grow up. Should we all go out and get divorced to make sure we have a better relationship with our kids?
Then there’s the whole daughter-in-law thing. I live in dread that I will have daughter-in-laws who hate me as thoroughly as Olive Kitteridge’s daughter-in-law. I’m not quite as intrusive as she is but I think there’s often tension between mothers and daughters-in-law.
Two of my brothers live in my hometown and visit my father at least once a week. So they are dutiful sons to the parent who probably needs it the most. Maybe they’re less in touch with my mother because she’s so independent or maybe they have their own issues with her.
I’ve resigned myself to the fact that my sons probably won’t go shopping with me. (Although William does like to shop so maybe they will). They may not chat on the phone with me the way I do with my mom. And the probably won’t ever quilt with me. But I hope we’ll find some way of being in touch.
Of course all this hand wringing over children who are still several years away from college is a little funny. I told one friends I’m not sure whether I should worry about them moving away and leaving me or I should worry that they won’t move away and leave me. I suspect the later would be worse for them. I don’t really want them tied to my apron strings. I’m just hoping that whatever ties we have don’t fray or get broken when my sons are adults and I’m an overbearing old lady.
In the meantime, I have to pick them up from school and take them to piano lessons. We might go out for pizza and watch a video and if we want to be in touch, I just have to reach out. I might as well savor that while it lasts.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Columbine Shooting Anniversary
Today is the anniversary of the Columbine shootings in which 13 people were killed and 24 injured. Since then we've had the shootings at Virginia Tech in which 32 students and teachers were killed and earlier this month we had the shootings at the Binghamton, N.Y. immigration center in which 13 were killed and four were injured.
In the wake of the Columbine shootings, there was a lot of searching for answers. There were anti-bullying campaigns and calls for better security and there was hope that maybe this would lead to better gun control.
Well, it turns out that none of it went very far. I think the anti-bullying campaigns are terrific, mind you, and they may prevent other types of violence and suicide among young people. But it turns out that the two shooters, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, weren't bullied. Slate Magazine's Dave Cullen, who wrote a new book "Columbine," says that the two boys weren't bullied. He says that Harris that was a true psychopath while Klebold was the follower. Their motivation was to kill as many people as possible.
Cullen says that there is no profile of school shooters. They're not necessarily the bullied loners.
In another piece Cullen says that we have increased school security and learned to respond better to these incidents. We've learned that there is no classic profile. We've also learned that these kids often give hints about what they're planning in advance.http://www.slate.com/id/2216122/.
But all this seems like small potatoes compared to the gun issue. There's been very little progress on banning automatic weapons. Now President Obama has backed off promises to ban assault weapons and his administration is indefinitely postponing even making an effort because of the powerful NRA.
We are a very, very stupid country when it comes to guns. When are we going to take the steps necessary so that kids can't get hold of guns and certainly can't get hold of guns that fire round after round of bullets within minutes, killing innocent people.
It is maddening that with all the talk of the Columbine Anniversary there is so little talk about taking real steps to take the weapons out of the hands of psychopaths.
But all this seems like small potatoes compared to the gun issue.
In the wake of the Columbine shootings, there was a lot of searching for answers. There were anti-bullying campaigns and calls for better security and there was hope that maybe this would lead to better gun control.
Well, it turns out that none of it went very far. I think the anti-bullying campaigns are terrific, mind you, and they may prevent other types of violence and suicide among young people. But it turns out that the two shooters, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, weren't bullied. Slate Magazine's Dave Cullen, who wrote a new book "Columbine," says that the two boys weren't bullied. He says that Harris that was a true psychopath while Klebold was the follower. Their motivation was to kill as many people as possible.
Cullen says that there is no profile of school shooters. They're not necessarily the bullied loners.
In another piece Cullen says that we have increased school security and learned to respond better to these incidents. We've learned that there is no classic profile. We've also learned that these kids often give hints about what they're planning in advance.http://www.slate.com/id/2216122/.
But all this seems like small potatoes compared to the gun issue. There's been very little progress on banning automatic weapons. Now President Obama has backed off promises to ban assault weapons and his administration is indefinitely postponing even making an effort because of the powerful NRA.
We are a very, very stupid country when it comes to guns. When are we going to take the steps necessary so that kids can't get hold of guns and certainly can't get hold of guns that fire round after round of bullets within minutes, killing innocent people.
It is maddening that with all the talk of the Columbine Anniversary there is so little talk about taking real steps to take the weapons out of the hands of psychopaths.
But all this seems like small potatoes compared to the gun issue.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Easter Bunny failures
I used to be thrilled with being the Easter Bunny. It was so fun to buy the baskets and find thelittle toys to go in them. I loved seeing the thrilled look on my kids' faces when they woke up when they found their baskets. It was the next best thing to Christmas.
But then they got bigger and the thrill was gone. They weren't as thrilled with the little toys. They like the candy but it doesn't thrill them. They're too old for most of the little toys Iused to get them.
And then of course we're on a severe budget that makes it slightly less thrilling to drop big bucks on jelly beans and chocolate bunnies.
But the real problem has nothing to do with jelly beans or the economy, it has to do with stuffed animals. My kids love stuffed animals despite the fact that they are 9 and 11. But to my husband, those stuffed animals are a sign of their immaturity and their seeming inability to put those childish things behind them. He has threatened to throw them out and watched as they burst into tears.
I know where they're coming from. They're traditionalists like me. They want to always have Easter baskets even when they're 50. They have trouble letting go of things and they don't see any reason why they should grow up. Hey, they're 9 and 11. Who could blame them?
But this year I thought I would forego the stuffed animals in the basket. They had the jelly beans and the little chocolate eggs. They had malted milk balls and the chocolate bunny. They had a cool little car with a little computer game on it. But no stuffed animals.
On Easter Day, they gathered all their animals together and my heart sank. Then they came out to find their Easter baskets and rifled through them. They found the cars and that got a smile. They tried to muster some enthusiasm for the chocolate bunnies but they looked crestfallen. Sigh.
I had a quick conference with my husband about this fiasco. I was almost in tears about this Easter basket failure and I begged him to go get them stuffed animals. He grudgingly agreed to go out on a hunt and to get some breakfast supplies while he was at it. So off he went on his mission, returning with a white and a brown bunny, the last in the store.
We put the bunnies on the table outside and then got the kids to go out and happen on the bunnies. And there it was: the light in their eyes.
Of course, they immediately got into a fight about who would have the white bunny and who would have the brown one. We then had to hint that the Easter Bunny wouldn't be so nice next time? Do they even believe in the Easter Bunny anymore? How long do we have to do this whole Easter Bunny charade.
Apparently, we are on the hook for the complete Easter basket complete with stuffed animals until our kids are 50. Since I will be 90 when my youngest turns 50, I'm hoping he'll be OK if I stop making him baskets by then.
I guess I can't force my kids to be mature or let go of childish things. If Easter bunnies bring joy to their hearts, then Easter bunnies they shall have.
But then they got bigger and the thrill was gone. They weren't as thrilled with the little toys. They like the candy but it doesn't thrill them. They're too old for most of the little toys Iused to get them.
And then of course we're on a severe budget that makes it slightly less thrilling to drop big bucks on jelly beans and chocolate bunnies.
But the real problem has nothing to do with jelly beans or the economy, it has to do with stuffed animals. My kids love stuffed animals despite the fact that they are 9 and 11. But to my husband, those stuffed animals are a sign of their immaturity and their seeming inability to put those childish things behind them. He has threatened to throw them out and watched as they burst into tears.
I know where they're coming from. They're traditionalists like me. They want to always have Easter baskets even when they're 50. They have trouble letting go of things and they don't see any reason why they should grow up. Hey, they're 9 and 11. Who could blame them?
But this year I thought I would forego the stuffed animals in the basket. They had the jelly beans and the little chocolate eggs. They had malted milk balls and the chocolate bunny. They had a cool little car with a little computer game on it. But no stuffed animals.
On Easter Day, they gathered all their animals together and my heart sank. Then they came out to find their Easter baskets and rifled through them. They found the cars and that got a smile. They tried to muster some enthusiasm for the chocolate bunnies but they looked crestfallen. Sigh.
I had a quick conference with my husband about this fiasco. I was almost in tears about this Easter basket failure and I begged him to go get them stuffed animals. He grudgingly agreed to go out on a hunt and to get some breakfast supplies while he was at it. So off he went on his mission, returning with a white and a brown bunny, the last in the store.
We put the bunnies on the table outside and then got the kids to go out and happen on the bunnies. And there it was: the light in their eyes.
Of course, they immediately got into a fight about who would have the white bunny and who would have the brown one. We then had to hint that the Easter Bunny wouldn't be so nice next time? Do they even believe in the Easter Bunny anymore? How long do we have to do this whole Easter Bunny charade.
Apparently, we are on the hook for the complete Easter basket complete with stuffed animals until our kids are 50. Since I will be 90 when my youngest turns 50, I'm hoping he'll be OK if I stop making him baskets by then.
I guess I can't force my kids to be mature or let go of childish things. If Easter bunnies bring joy to their hearts, then Easter bunnies they shall have.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Volunteer Work and Mommy Meltdown
I was a bad mother this morning. The kind of bad mother who yells and screams at her kids and makes them cry. The kind of bad mother who could put her kids into therapy for a very long time.
I blame myself for not being more organized. I blame my kids for having the same disease I have so my older son announced that he needed clothes for track two minutes before we left, then told a friend to pick him up so that the mom arrived in our doorway when we were in total disarray.
"I'm taking you! I told you I was taking you!" I screamed at him. "We're late!"
Truly not my finest moment and one that I blame most of all on volunteer work. Today it was the Chinese feast in my older son's Social Studies class. Earlier this week, another mom had called me up and told me that my son's Social Studies teacher said I was really helpful and would help organize the darn thing.
So I spent the week sending out numerous emails to solicit drinks and oranges and get parents to work at this darn thing. Then I had to get there early and spend my morning there. My husband also joined the group this morning.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm a big believer in volunteer work. I love my kids' schools, love seeing the kids and meeting the teacher. In fact, studies show that kids do better when you're involved in their school. Blah, blah, blah.
But it drives me crazy when I have to do volunteer work on a day when I normally write, when I have papers to grade and a house that could use a backhoe to just come in and clear out the craap. Instead, I have to go and serve egg rolls to sixth graders and I get all anxious in the morning about this and all my other commitments (and the fact that I am a terrible, terrible housekeeper).
Here I am 50 years old and I still haven't learned to say no. I should have said, "I am not helpful. I am too busy." This is the hazards of working very part-time at this point. You feel you must say "yes" when really you want to say no. But I can't even organize my own life, never mind the Chinese feast. Sigh. And I didn't even get an egg roll out of it.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Cheating Web Site for Kids
I got a call from my older son's French teacher today. It seems a boy passed R. a note and it turned out to be a printout from a website all about cheating. R.'s not in trouble but she wanted to let me know and she also informed the vice-principal and the guidance counselor.
The site is http://www.rajuabju.com/literature/how_to_cheat.htm
and it reads exactly like what you might expect from a smart-ass high school student. (Hey, maybe the guy is 30. He claims to have graduated from college). The writer takes apart an article at PBS.org pbskids.org/itsmylife/school/cheating/
meant to persuade students not to cheat. The site has a lot of good material about cheating and seems pretty straightforward and worth checking out for kids. It explains why all the excuses about cheating are lame. To the excuse that, "All my classes are hard," for example, the PBS site explains that it's a lame excuse because "School isn't supposed to be easy."
The self-proclaimed cheating expert offers this reply to the argument that every school has a cheating policy and you could get a terrible grade or get expelled from school, the writer replies, "Only if you get caught! Don't get caught and you won't get in trouble." His advice is full of expletives and I guess I can see why it made my kid giggle. (But not in French kid, come on!)
Most of it is your basic techniques which surprisingly are no more high tech than they were when I was in high school back in the dark ages, except he advises that students use computer print-outs for cheat sheets with a 6 point font.
Sigh. I know this isn't the worst thing a kid ever did but it does make you see what's out there on the web and it does wave a red flag that we're never really sure what they're up to. Darn that computer! I'm taking this as a warning not to be so clueless myself.
So now we have to have a hear to heart with son number 1 about cheating and with son number two (whose teacher also called today. When it rains it pours) about his rowdy behavior in class. I feel like we should get detention for being bad parents but this too will pass.
The site is http://www.rajuabju.com/literature/how_to_cheat.htm
and it reads exactly like what you might expect from a smart-ass high school student. (Hey, maybe the guy is 30. He claims to have graduated from college). The writer takes apart an article at PBS.org pbskids.org/itsmylife/school/cheating/
meant to persuade students not to cheat. The site has a lot of good material about cheating and seems pretty straightforward and worth checking out for kids. It explains why all the excuses about cheating are lame. To the excuse that, "All my classes are hard," for example, the PBS site explains that it's a lame excuse because "School isn't supposed to be easy."
The self-proclaimed cheating expert offers this reply to the argument that every school has a cheating policy and you could get a terrible grade or get expelled from school, the writer replies, "Only if you get caught! Don't get caught and you won't get in trouble." His advice is full of expletives and I guess I can see why it made my kid giggle. (But not in French kid, come on!)
Most of it is your basic techniques which surprisingly are no more high tech than they were when I was in high school back in the dark ages, except he advises that students use computer print-outs for cheat sheets with a 6 point font.
Sigh. I know this isn't the worst thing a kid ever did but it does make you see what's out there on the web and it does wave a red flag that we're never really sure what they're up to. Darn that computer! I'm taking this as a warning not to be so clueless myself.
So now we have to have a hear to heart with son number 1 about cheating and with son number two (whose teacher also called today. When it rains it pours) about his rowdy behavior in class. I feel like we should get detention for being bad parents but this too will pass.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Frugal Parenting: Tips to Save Money
Working mothers know how to cut their own expenses. Maybe they don’t buy that pair of shoes or they bring a lunch to work. But it’s harder to cut back when it comes to your kids. You need to feed and clothe them, even if they are eating you out of house and home and growing up a size every month. But there are practical Clothes: Shop for clothes at consignment shops, used clothing shops and flea markets. Shop for new clothes out of season. Don’t be afraid to take hand me downs from relatives and close friends.
Babysitting: Join a babysitting coop or swap with friends
Books: Go to the library for books and videos. Libraries also have plenty of free events.
Eating out: Eat at home and have “fast food” like macaroni and cheese handy that you can whip up in a few minutes.
Videos: Record movies on the TV or find cheap video sources like the library or the Red Boxes.
Presents: Buy toys or games on sale and keep them for when you need them. Have kids make presents and cards for relatives and friends. Recycle wrapping paper and gift bags.
Food: Buy food on sale and make large quantities for leftovers. Buy food in bulk.
Entertaining: Have potluck dinners or ask people to bring salads or desserts.
Free Stuff: Look for groups like Freecycle that offer stuff for free and keep an eye out for bargains. Your municipality might offer free mulch for the garden. In the market for a piano? Often people give them away for free.
Date Night: Eat at home, then go out for movies and a drink. You can sneak in your own soda but probably not popcorn. Look for discount programs for theaters and concerts or check newspapers for free events.
Babysitting: Join a babysitting coop or swap with friends
Books: Go to the library for books and videos. Libraries also have plenty of free events.
Eating out: Eat at home and have “fast food” like macaroni and cheese handy that you can whip up in a few minutes.
Videos: Record movies on the TV or find cheap video sources like the library or the Red Boxes.
Presents: Buy toys or games on sale and keep them for when you need them. Have kids make presents and cards for relatives and friends. Recycle wrapping paper and gift bags.
Food: Buy food on sale and make large quantities for leftovers. Buy food in bulk.
Entertaining: Have potluck dinners or ask people to bring salads or desserts.
Free Stuff: Look for groups like Freecycle that offer stuff for free and keep an eye out for bargains. Your municipality might offer free mulch for the garden. In the market for a piano? Often people give them away for free.
Date Night: Eat at home, then go out for movies and a drink. You can sneak in your own soda but probably not popcorn. Look for discount programs for theaters and concerts or check newspapers for free events.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
