The Parent -Teacher Conference All Over Again

It was the same old story at the parent-teacher conference. Disorganized. Not working up to potential. Having problems with math.

It was very disappointing but I’m over it now. After all, it was decades ago when I was in junior high. My parents were concerned but I remained clueless about what my parents and teachers wanted from me until sometime in high school.

Today I found myself sitting in a parent-teacher conference hearing the exact same phrases from my older son’s teachers, proving once again that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

And here I am the organizationally challenged mom who struggled through algebra, trying to throw my son a lifeline as he sinks beneath an ocean of failed expectations at his middle school.

I finally turned around my grades when my parents hinted – threatened really- that I wouldn’t get into college. I know now that they lied. But it did succeed in scaring me into studying and when I started doing well in school it was much more satisfying than hearing that I wasn’t working up to my potential.

My son is no different than me in that respect. When he’s on a downward spiral, he feels bad about himself and he does badly. When he does well, he feels good about himself and does well.

It sounds so simple. But getting him on an upward trajectory isn’t so easy. We have to monitor his progress all the time and now I’m emailing his teachers to check up on him I discovered recently that he is apparently using his assignment book as a paper weight because he hasn’t written in it in weeks.

I had deluded myself into thinking that maybe I should let him be in charge of his work and take a step back. But it turns out you can only step back if your child is a self-starter and mine isn’t, at least not in school.

So now we’re getting him a high school tutor and he’s going for extra help after school and tonight he organized his folders and we spent a lot of time figuring out a better system. If we can help get him more organized, maybe he can go back to working independently sometime at the start of his freshman year in college.

I insisted that he sit in on the conference with his teachers because I wanted him to hear himself what they were saying about his worik. But when he came in, he looked like a deer caught in the headlights and I felt a pang of regret. I’m sure that his guidance counselor was right when he said that all R. heard was, “Blah, blah, blah.”

Having been there myself, know that when R. heard “You’re not working up to your potential,” he was as annoyed and baffled as I was. ‘What exactly does that mean anyway?’ he’s thinking.,“ and what do they want from me?”

Poor kid. I wish he had inherited something else – my red hair or my green eyes. Instead, I’ve passed on both my poor math skills and my “potential.”

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Epic Morning Battles

Epic battles! Dramatic face-offs. A race against time to achieve the impossible and a noble quest.

No, it’s not Dan Brown’s latest novel. It’s my house in the morning where we are engaged in an epic battle with my son R. with daily face-offs, a race against time to get him to school on time and a noble quest: - an impossible dream - to get everyone moving while still maintaining our serenity.

You can stop laughing now.

We have been trying to achieve this since kindergarten when R’s kindergarten told us gently that she’d like to see our son sitting in his seat when school started rather than racing for the doorway. It’s been downhill ever since.

Now that my son is 12, you would think that he could get himself up in the morning,, get himself dressed and make his own breakfast and lunch but you would be wrong.

First comes the wake-up call. We give our sons a five-minute warning and then call or them to wake up. My younger son is groggy but willing. Not so my older son, who burrows deeper into his blankets until I finally give up in frustration, grab his feet, and put them on the ground. Talk about enabling.

Next, R. usually tries to curl up for a few more zzs on the couch so we grab his blankets again, roust him from the couch and start trying to get him dressed. This is where we practice our broken tape-recorder routine. Get a clean shirt, get a clean shirt, get a clean shirt. Put on some pants, put on some pants, put on some pants. Put on your socks, socks, socks.

And so it goes. We push him through breakfast where he inevitably asks for what we don’t have. Me: “Do you want toast or cereal?” R: “Waffles.”

And then there’s lunch. “Do you want ham or turkey?” “Peanut butter and honey.” Ahhhhhhh.

This morning, R. informed me that his friend’s mom makes his lunch every day. That might be true, I replied, but your friend does all his own laundry. Score one for Mom!

The show-down this morning came because of R.’s very poor, extremely disrespectful attitude in the morning and his screaming at me. In fairness, he might have been reacting to my raising my voice several times but that’s no excuse! This kind of escalation is how wars are started.

Everything had cooled down by the time R. got back from school and had transformed from demon child back to my sweet boy. We agreed that we would list all his morning jobs and he would sign a contract agreeing to do them. Then we would offer him a quarter a day if he succeeds and would take away video games if he melts down.

We’re also going to buy another alarm clock. The last one died after being dropped on the floor one too many times but maybe the next one will be sturdier.

All I want is a truce in our epic battle. I want fewer face-downs and more face time in the morning. I have a new impossible dream: a child who peacefully gets himself ready while I meditate or read the paper or something. All that I’m asking is we give peace a chance.

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For those of us who never or rarely spanked our kids, it’s nice to have more ammunition: a study that says that spanking actually lowers kids’ IQS.

The study by Murray Strauss, of the University of New Hampshire, found that the children ages 2 to 6 of parents who don’t hit their kids had IQ scores that were 2 to 5 points higher than kids who were spanked.

This makes sense, Murray explains, when you consider that parents who don’t spank their kids are probably talking to their kids about their misdeeds instead of hitting them. Studies have also found that the children whose parents talk to them also have higher IQs.

The study also found that children who are spanked throughout childhood show signs of chronic stress.

The study tested the intelligence of children ages 2 to 5 and ages 5 to 8 and then went back and tested them again four years later. The younger group of kids who weren’t spanked scored an average of 5 points higher in the younger group and 2 and a half points in the older group.

A Duke University study of more than 2,500 toddlers from low-income families found that young children who were spanked were more aggressive and had worse cognitive abilities than kids who weren’t spanked.

The study focused on low-income families because previous research showed low-income families are more likely to spank children. Researchers aren’t sure whether this is because of the stress of money problems or because of what researcher and lead author Lisa Berlin calls:”cultural contagion” of behavior that pressures parents to follow the crowd.

Research has found people who spank tend to be younger, less educated, single and depressed or stressed. It’s more common among parents who were spanked themselves, it’s more common in the south and parents who spank are more likely to identify themselves as born again Christians It’s more common among African-Americans than whites or Hispanics.

One-third of the one-year=olds and half of the two and three-year-olds were spanked within the past two weeks.

All of this seems very depressing because the parents who believe in spanking probably aren’t going to be convinced that they should spare the rod. But maybe the studies represent a cultural shift in our society that’s been taking place over the past couple of decades.

I’ve spanked my kids a couple of times – once when my son ran into the street and another time when he put his brother into the sandbox, shut the lid and sat on it. But even then I didn’t feel right about it.

It’s never made sense to me that we should discourage bad behavior by doing something that is clearly bad behavior itself. How can we tell them to stop smacking each other if we smack them?

It’s also disturbing as a punishment because we punish our kids when we’re angry and we don’t want to be smacking our kids when we’re angry. We’ve all had that experience of feeling ourselves lose control but when that extends to spanking, it can’t be good for either the parents or the kids.

So I’m glad to hear that researchers are against spanking too. Maybe someday parents will look back on spanking like we might look back on putting people into the stockades. “Can you believe they used to do that?” these future parents might say. “Didn’t they know what it was doing to their kids?”

Parental Intervention In School

How much should you intervene in your kid’s schooling?

I have this dilemma with my oldest son who wants to switch out of a reading and writing workshop in middle school and take art or shop instead.

I think his writing skills are fine but he suffers from lack of motivation. I suspect he ended up in reading and writing workshop because he doesn’t like to write and writes as little as he can. I’m not convinced he needs remedial help as much as he needs someone to light a fire under him.

But word came back from his guidance counselor that she thinks he does need the class and should stay put.

Now I have to decide whether I should overrule her and I’ not sure I want to be one of those parents. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I do know best.

I listened to two moms talking about their high school kids the other day and they were fretting over whether their kids were in advanced or introductory algebra. Both were saying things like, “I want my kid to go to college,” as if this math course would make or break their kids’ chances to get into Harvard.

They too thought they knew best for their kids when they switched them to a more advanced class and they were probably right. Still there’s something a little wrong-headed about parents deciding things like what level math their kid should be in.

Back in the dark ages when I was a kid, parents rarely intervened in what went on in the classroom and they would never think of deciding to switch their kid out of a class.

My parents went to bat with me with a couple of teachers but they would no sooner think of switching me out of a class than they would think about sending me to beauty school. They had four kids and they were too busy to be that involved.

Now I wonder whether I’m in danger of being one of those helicopter parents if I take my kid out of this class. I’m going to talk to the teacher first, of course, and then make my decision. But why do I feel that I have one foot already on the helipad?

Longing For The Days of Time Outs

What do you do when your older kids misbehave? You can’t put them in time out anymore and sending them to their room won’t do it.

It’s enough to make you wish your kids were 4 again.

We had to punish our 10-year-old this week and our solution was to take away computer access, TV and play dates for a week.

But this turned out to be harder than you might think. One day, we had to sit for a friend’s kids and the next day they sat for ours. So much for taking away play dates.

Then today I caught my son watching television after I warned him not to turn it on. So he lost his dessert.

Tonight the poor kid can’t watch TV, cant’ play on the computer and can’t have dessert. He told me that there is nothing to do and I had taken away all his fun. He also shouted that I was mean and he hates me. Welcome to my world.

As I write this, he has been whining about his dessert for about half an hour. I explained that he is being punished for deliberately disobeying me about 28 minutes ago. Now I’m done and I’m just letting him whine it out.

In fact, I am beginning to see the power of taking away dessert. We could have saved ourselves all the trouble of taking away the computer and TV and the play dates and just taken away dessert for a week. That seems to be the most effective punishment we can dish out.

Still, I’m getting tired of all this crying and whining. I would send him to bed without his supper but it’s too late for that. Putting him in the corner won't work either. Maybe I can send him to his room for a while – just until he’s 18. I’m sure he’ll stop whining by then.

Art from What do you do when your older kid misbehaves? You can’t put them in time out anymore and sending them to their room won’t do it.

It’s enough to make you wish your kids were 4 again.

We had to punish our 10-year-old this week and our solution was to take away computer access, TV and play dates for a week.

But this turned out to be harder than you might think. One day, we had to sit for a friend’s kids and the next day they sat for ours.

Then today I caught my son watching television after I warned him that he would lose his dessert if the TV went on.

So tonight the poor kid can’t watch TV, cant’ play on the computer and can’t have dessert. He told me that there is nothing to do and I had taken away all his fun. It also led him to shout that I was mean and he hates me.

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As I write this, he has been whining about his dessert for about 20 minutes. I explained that he is being punished for deliberately disobeying me about 18 minutes ago. Now I’m done and I’m just letting him whine it out.

In fact, I am beginning to think we could have saved ourselves all the trouble of taking away the computer and TV and the play dates and just taken away dessert for a week. That seems to be the most effective punishment we can dish out.

Still, I’m getting tired of all this crying and whining. I would send him to bed without his supper but it’s too late for that. Maybe I can send him to his room for a while – just until he’s 18. I’m sure he’ll stop whining by then.

Latch Key Kids

Today my kids were latch key kids. They let themselves in the door, did their homework and got very high marks on their first solo outing. I was the one who was a nervous wreck and flunked the test.

Both kids biked home by themselves and then my 12-year-old biked with my 10-year-old to his piano lesson about a dozen blocks away, stayed for the whole lesson and biked back with him.

Suddenly my older son was the responsible big brother and he rose to the occasion. When I called home from work to check up on them twice, they had everything under control.

When I came home, W. was happily sitting in front of the television doing his homework. “R. told me I could watch TV while I did my homework if I finished a lot in ten minutes,” he informed me. When I insisted on getting back to our usual routine and switched off the TV, W. told met hey did better without me. Sigh.

Like many of the things I worry about, it was a non-event and that’s fine. They didn’t miss me, they weren’t worried. It all went wonderfully.

But while my kids did great going solo, I didn't do so well. So tomorrow both kids are going to their friends’ house after school. They're up to the task of being latch key kids but I’m not so sure I’m ready to be a latch key mom.

When Is It OK To Leave Your Kid By Himself?

When is it OK to leave your kid by himself?

We’ve had this dilemma a lot lately. We left both boys home for back to school night at my son’s elementary school and I felt a pang when the principal said she would let all the parents get home to their babysitters.

I was OK when we left them alone for local parties in the area too. When we take W. to his dance class or I run out shopping, I’m fine at leaving my 12-year-old alone.

But tonight my older son is going to back to school night at his middle school with us, so I hired a babysitter for my 10-year-old. It just didn’t feel right leaving him all by himself, even though I’m sure he would have been fine.

At the end of the night when I’m $24 poorer, I may think better of that decision. But somehow I felt he might be lonely and scared with no one home. Then again, maybe I’m just treating him like my baby. Poor kid.

I once looked into New Jersey’s law about when you can leave your child by himself and it turns out there’s no age limit. You can be charged with neglect if you leave your kids alone and they’re too young but the law’s no help on what constitutes too young.

This week, we’re going to have a similar dilemma after school and I'm just going to have to grit my teeth and let them be latch key kids for one day. But I know I'm going to worry about them.

This is one of those questions that have no answer. You can’t look it up. You can’t research it. You just have to go with your gut. My problem is even my gut doesn’t know what to do.

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We’ve had this dilemma a lot lately. We left both boys home for back to school night at my son’s elementary school and I felt a pang when the principal said she would let all the parents get home to their babysitters.

I was OK when we left them alone for local parties in the area too. When we take W. to his dance class or I run out shopping, I’m fine at leaving my 12-year-old alone.

But tonight my older son is going to back to school night at his middle school with us, so I hired a babysitter for my 10-year-old. It just didn’t feel right leaving him all by himself, even though I’m sure he would have been fine.

At the end of the night when I’m $24 poorer, I may think better of that decision. But somehow I felt he might be lonely and scared with no one home. Then again, maybe I’m just treating him like my baby. Poor kid.

I once looked into New Jersey’s law about when you can leave your child by himself and it turns out there’s no age limit. You can be charged with neglect if you leave your kids alone and they’re too young but the law’s no help on what constitutes too young.

This week, we’re going to have a similar dilemma after school. There again, I’m sure the kids would be fine if they came home and did their homework until I got home an hour or so later. I’m the one who feels funny about it.

So I’ll probably try to get them both a play date so I’ll be sure that they’ll be perfectly happy that I’m gone. I know this is purely mother guilt but I can’t help myself.

This is one of those questions that have no answer. You can’t look it up. You can’t research it. You just have to go with your gut. My problem is even my gut doesn’t know what to do.

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